The Unexpected

Welcome to the continued story of Alexander Michael Zarzana. A five year old boy who endured brain surgery to remove two Arterio Venous Malformations from the right frontal lobe. This is the fifth of seven posts on this blog that is written in the form of a letter to my son Alex. I pray they encourage you. If you are reading this blog for the first time, I recommend that you start on the first posting of the series so that you can enjoy the story from the beginning. This blog series is being written for four reasons:

1. To strengthen the faith of my young son Alexander on the day that he is able to read this blog for himself. We serve a God who does great things.

2. To encourage parents who may go through the same type of struggle that Joanne and I did. 

3. To give due thanks for the nurses, doctors, and surgeons that took amazing care of our little Alex.

4. To give glory, honor and thanks to the Lord who brought our son back home to us.

Alexander the Brave One

July 5th

My son Alex,

Your angiogram was scheduled for 10am. I remember the feeling of optimism as we rolled your bed down to the room where you would be assessed. You looked healthy enough to be discharged from the Hospital, we just needed to confirm that all of the AVM had been removed. You expressed frustration in tears as the doctors prepared to give you medicine that put you under. Mommy and daddy prayed as you left our presence, asking God for a good report.

The angiogram didn't take long at all. Mommy and daddy were by your side after thirty minutes. You were still asleep as we awaited the arrival of Dr. Baird to give us the report on the angiogram. She had her poker face on again as she walked into the room. I readied my heart to hear what she had to say, whether good or bad. "How are you two holding up?" Dr. Baird asked. "As well as we can" your mother and I responded back. "Well, I have some good news and some bad news." Dr. Baird spoke softly and began with the bad news, "We found a small growth remaining in Alex's right frontal lobe." She stepped in to the good news, "There is only %5 remaining and it is operable. I feel the best course of action would be to go back in and remove what is left." My heart sank as Dr. Baird spoke. It felt like we were  within a few hours of going home with you happy and healthy, but another surgery meant going through all the same risks again, all the same stresses and anxiety. The feeling of optimism and expectation that we would be leaving OHSU suddenly vanished.

Dr. Baird gave us the option of not going through with the surgery, but the chance of stroke was too high if the AVM was not fully removed. Your mother and I took some time to discuss the option of not doing the surgery, but we were convinced that Dr. Baird knew best and agreed that surgery would be best. We chose to not tell you that you would have to go back in. Instead, we had your brother come out and entertain you since the first opening in the operating room was not until the next morning. 

We enjoyed the day as a family reading books, playing games and cuddling up for nap times. We took some walks around your hospital floor and met a counselor on one of our treks. She had heard about your story and how you had to go back in for surgery. She checked on your mother and I before asking how you were. "I just want to go home" you told her. To cheer you up, the the counselor invited you into her office which was filled with toys, games and stuffed animals. The counselor looked at you and said, "Alex, I want you to choose anything you want in here. The sky is the limit, if you want it you can have it." Your look of sadness was quickly replaced with a smile. You looked around and put your finger to your lip. "Hmmm" you said as you looked at all your options. You decided on a green teddy bear and the board game Candyland. You also picked out a Scooby-Doo movie that you had never seen. Daddy looked around the room with you and thought about talking you into selecting the item below.

Steve Urkel

Looked like a collectors item for sure. We walked back to your room after receiving gifts that refilled your joy tank. Thank God for that counselor, she lit up our day. 

We watched your newly acquired Scooby-Doo movie and after it was over, your good friends Layla and Stacy showed up. We spent some time in the play room building lego towers as high as possible. After building the towers up, you would push them over. Here is a video of you doing so. 

Alex pushing blocks over

We must have done that about ten times. You would say to me, "Build it up again Dad". I was happy to do so since you were entertained. Stacy and Layla left after hanging out in the playroom and it was getting near time for me to get Christian home. I gave you a big long hug before you headed back to your room for a early evening nap. I wouldn't see you again until the next morning before your surgery. It was hard to leave you, but Daddy had to take Christian home since he was not allowed to stay at the Hospital. Before leaving, your brother and I hopped onto the OHSU aerial tram for a fun ride. Here are some pictures and a video of the experience.

Scenic Picture of Mt Hood

Daddy and Christian on the Aerial Tram

I promise that some day you and I will go on that tram together.

Mommy stayed with you over night and I slept in Gresham at Grandma's house with Christian. Your surgery was scheduled for 12pm the next day, so I slept in til about 10am to try and get refreshed. I left your brother at Grandma's and traveled back to the Hospital. Uncle Mitchell and Aunt Jenah had arrived to say hello. They gave Joanne and I hugs and comforted us as best they could. 

There was heaviness on your mother and I's heart as we drew closer to the surgery time. The doctors came in to wheel you downstairs to the operating room. We followed by your side as far as we could, walking, once again; passed the pictures of dogs wearing funny hats. We walked with you until we could go no further, to the same point that we were at nearly 3 days ago when you first went in for surgery. Once again we prayed. Once again we stressed. Once again we watched you get wheeled away by the doctors, wondering if you would come out of the surgery alive and functional.

Your mother and I traveled back to the waiting room. Grandma Karen arrived an hour later with Christian in tow. Uncle Mitchell and Aunt Jenah were still there as well. We found out that we could get more aerial tram passes for free. Your brother was excited to take your Grandma and some of the other family on the tram. Your mother and I stayed close by and waited for you to come out of surgery. We went into a small garden area a floor above you for about a half hour and sat down together on a bench. We held hands in silence most of the time. I took a picture of a beautiful red tree that stood out. 

Tree in the Garden

There was something about the lighting in that tree and the blue sky above that gave me peace. God shows His presence in our lives tin many different ways. Sometimes through blue skies and beautiful trees. I believe God showed His presence to me through that tree.

Your brother arrived back from the aerial tram and stayed at the hospital until 5pm. The doctors were four hours into your surgery before he had to depart with Grandma Karen. After they left, your Uncle Brandon showed up with your cousin Lily. We went and grabbed a little dinner together and then went to a playground for a game of tag. I remember wishing deeply that you were there. I love to play tag with you. The game was bitter sweet as I chased your niece around with your presence only in my heart. After finishing our game, Uncle Brandon left with Lily and your mother and I went back up to the waiting room. Grandma Sue showed up soon after to be with us. At 7pm, Dr. Gupta came out and let us know that the surgery would still require some time. The doctors had to be very meticulous. We appreciated the time and care they were giving you but each hour that passed became harder than the next. 

Finally, after eleven long hours of surgery, Dr. Baird stepped into the waiting room. Your mother and I were reading the Bible with Grandma Sue when she came in. We traveled back into the consultation room to hear the news. "Alex is stable and we are confident that we got everything out". I had to ask, "What took the surgery so long, is Alex okay?". "Alex is fine, the surgery took longer than expected because after removing the remaining %5, we did another angiogram and discovered there was another AVM hiding. We had to go deeper into the motor cortex area than planned in order to get all of the growth out." I became concerned upon hearing these words. "Is Alex going to be able to move okay?". Dr. Baird responded, "We can't say for sure until he wakes up. The surgery went well, but we won't know how well until we assess him." That was the best answer that could be given. Dr. Baird did the best job that she could and everything else was in the hands of God. 

We went into your room where you lay unconscious. Your mind and body had endured over 20 hours of surgery within a three day period. We tried to wake you up before going to bed but you were unresponsive to mommy and daddy's nudging. The scar on top of your head was now much larger. I took a picture of it so that you could see the incision for yourself when you are older.

Alex's Incision

Grandma Sue came in and gave us a hug. We said a prayer together before she departed for home. Your Uncle Tom, from my side of the family, also showed up after the surgery. He brought his son David with him who had a brain aneurysm before he was a year old. It was comforting to have Uncle Tom near. He is a man of deep faith and was able to empathize with your mother and I from his child having AVM's.

After Uncle Tom left, your mother and I tried our best to go to sleep. But the unwavering worry of how responsive you would be after waking kept us both up throughout the night. I lay in bed and tried to doze off a number of times. I fell asleep once or twice but didn't get any more than a couple hours of rest. It was one of the longest days of my life followed by one of the longest nights. Much of the time was spent with God in prayerful anguish, asking that you wake up responsive and alert. 

What if we made the wrong choice, I wondered to myself. Maybe we never should have gone through with the surgery a second time. My mind sat in a place of worry remained there for the night. With eyes blood shot and mind tired, I waited with your mother by my side in anticipation of your waking. 

To be continued September 15, 2014.

Interested in supporting the author of this blog? You can do so by purchasing his book, "The Son Who Chases the Father" at chasethefather.com 

Joshua Zarzana can also be found on Facebook or Twitter

Thank you for reading.

Recovery with family

Welcome to the continued story of Alexander Michael Zarzana. A five year old boy who endured brain surgery to remove two Arterio Venous Malformations from the right frontal lobe. This is the fourth of seven posts on this blog written in the form of a letter to my son Alex. I pray they encourage you. If you are reading this blog for the first time, I encourage you to start on the first posting of the series so that you can enjoy the story from the beginning. This blog series is being written for four reasons:

1. To strengthen the faith of my young son Alexander on the day that he is able to read this blog for himself. We serve a God who does great things.

2. To encourage parents who may go through the same type of struggle that Joanne and I did. 

3. To give due thanks for the nurses, doctors, and surgeons that took amazing care of our little Alex.

4. To give glory, honor and thanks to the Lord who brought our son back home to us.

Alexander the Brave One

July 4th

The nurse entered the room of the ICU around 9am. She had come in a number of times during the night to check your vitals. Mommy still lay in the chair by your bedside with her head resting on her shoulder. It must have been an uncomfortable position but she did not care. She wanted to be the first face you saw when waking. 

My eyes were blurred and tired as I tried to open them. I noticed the nurse was getting ready to wake you, which motivated me to get up. I came by your mothers side. "I think we should wake Alex up now and see how he is doing" the nurse said. Joanne and I agreed.

Mommy gently placed her right hand on your left arm and began to call out to you. "Alex, Alex, it is time to wake up sweetheart." Daddy joined in with mommy. "Alex, it's time to wake up son." You took a deep  breath and slowly began to open your eyes. I paid attention to your left side to see if you would stretch your arm or leg out but I didn't see any movement. The doctor entered the room to assess you. I stepped  off to the side but mommy stayed near. The doctor asked you a few questions to which you answered correctly. I counted the blessing of hearing your voice respond to him. Next the doctor asked if you could move your left arm. I began to internally pray as he asked, "Lord, please let it happen. Let my son move his left side." You lifted your left arm with some ease. Mommy smiled deeply and spoke out, "Great job Alex. Yaaaay". She laughed with tears of relief coming out of her eyes, I sighed in relief as well. Thank you Lord, thank you, I said internally. The doctor then lifted the blanket to check the movement of your left leg. Here is a video showing how well you did.

Alex's responses to the doctor

When I saw the smile on your face, my heart elated. Your smile is one of the best things about you. You are wild at heart son and your joy is an inspiration to so many, perhaps to none more than me. After seeing that you were doing well we got you breakfast. You were allowed to order any item off the menu. Your first selection was of course bacon and eggs. You also ordered some strawberries and yogurt. After eating a full meal, I asked how you were doing. "I feel good Dad" you said with a smile. But then you frowned and asked, "Where is my brother?" My heart broke as you asked for Christian, but it was mixed with joy in seeing how well you were recovering. Praise the Lord for that, praise Him. I asked you to give a thumbs up so I could take a picture and send it to everyone praying for you.

Alex giving a thumbs up

I wouldn't be surprised if over a thousand were lifting you up during this time. I need to make notable mention to Bob Collins, Russ Baley, and the Chapel staff and parishioners at McChord AFB (among others). Those people alone helped start a massive prayer chain that reached more people than we can know. 

As the morning went along, mommy and daddy wanted  to cuddle up with you in your bed, but we were not allowed to because of all the IV's that you still had. Mommy stayed seated on your left side and I was on your right. We watched some episodes of "Scooby Doo" and waited to get word that you would be moved from the ICU to immediate Care. Grandma Karen called and made plans to come and visit. I asked her to bring the Nintendo 3ds so that we could play "Super Mario Bros. 2" together. 

She showed up around 1pm with a smile on her face. You had fallen asleep again, but when she came in mommy and daddy woke you up. You were very happy to see her and grandma shared the same joy with you. You sure do mean a lot to that woman. Soon after grandma had arrived, we got word that you would be moved into Immediate Care. The nurses came in to remove any unnecessary IV's. It was painful for you but you were very brave about it.  Grandma stayed for a couple hours to love and comfort you before having to get back to work. She was sad that she had to go, but extremely happy to see how well you were doing. 

After moving you to Immediate Care, Grandma Sue showed up in the early evening. You were joyful to see her but even more elated when you saw your brother walk in. "Hi Alex", Christian said. "Christian!" you shouted. It was the loudest and strongest you had spoken since the surgery. Christian came over and leaned over your bed to give you a hug. You began to cry as you grabbed a hold of him. "I missed you so much brother." As the tears fell from your eyes, my heart swelled to see the love shared between you and your brother. You two did not let go of your hug for a good ten seconds. It was truly a heart felt moment that will cling to me forever.

We got permission from your nurse to travel to the play room in the Immediate Care area. Your brother tried to get you involved in an imagination game of building blocks, but you just weren't feeling up to it. You sat up on a small couch with mommy's support and rested your head on her arm. I asked Christian if he could help me tell you an imagination story. He was happy to help. We spotted some plastic toy dinosaurs. There was a  brontosaurus, pterodactyl and T-Rex involved in the story. The story went like this:

The poor brontosaurus was very hungry for some food but couldn't find any. His friend Pterodactyl showed up and decided to help brontosaurus. While flying around to find his friend food, T-Rex showed up and discovered the problem as well. T-Rex and brontosaurus were not friends, but T-Rex wanted to help anyway. Before pterodactyl came back with food, T-Rex found some first, but he had brought meat to brontosaurus. "I can't eat that" the brontosaurus said. Brontosaurus had to explain to T-Rex that he was a vegetarian. After finishing his explanation to T-Rex, pterodactyl showed up and told brontosaurus that he had found food. Brontosaurus and T-Rex followed pterodactyl to the trees where food for brontosaurus waited. Brontosaurus had his fill. Pterodactyl was happy to help his friend and T-Rex was happy to learn how he could help his friend brontosaurus. It was a great story, until I told you that T-Rex then ate Brontosaurus because he had become hungry from the adventure. You then told me that the story didn't end that way and created your own ending where brontosaurus, pterodactyl and T-Rex all remained friends.

After telling you the story, we traveled over to the sky bridge to watch some fireworks. Grandma Sue stayed with us after visiting hours to watch the show. We looked over the Willamette River and viewed multiple explosions of color along the landscape. It was a beautiful sight, but I spent most of my time looking down on you in your wheelchair and thanking God that you were still alive and recovering well. That was the most beautiful sight for me. 

We watched the celebration of freedom on the sky bridge for 15 minutes before travelling back to your room. We read the Bible together and said a prayer of thanks to God and His keeping our family together. It is by His hand that we remain one. Daddy got to cuddle up in the bed with you and sleep through the night. Mommy slept on the small bed in the back corner. 

The next day was an important one because your surgery would be assessed with an angiogram to ensure all of the growth was removed. Dr. Baird is one of the best brain surgeons in the U.S., so I was optimistically confident that no other surgeries would have to occur. But whether or not that was true would have to wait and be seen in the morning.

To Be Continued September 8, 2014

Interested in supporting the author of this blog? You can do so by purchasing his book, "The Son Who Chases the Father" found at chasethefather.com 

Joshua Zarzana can also be found on Facebook or Twitter

Thank you for reading.

Operation and ICU

Welcome to the continued story of Alexander Michael Zarzana. A five year old boy who endured brain surgery to remove two Arterio Venous Malformations from the right frontal lobe. This is the third of seven posts on this blog written in the form of a letter to my son Alex. I pray they encourage you. If you are reading this blog for the first time, I encourage you to start on the first posting of the series so that you can enjoy the story from the beginning. This blog series is being written for four reasons:

1. To strengthen the faith of my young son Alexander on the day that he is able to read this blog for himself. We serve a God who does great things.

2. To encourage parents who may go through the same type of struggle that Joanne and I did. 

3. To give due thanks for the nurses, doctors, and surgeons that took amazing care of our little Alex.

4. To give glory, honor and thanks to the Lord who brought our son back home to us.

Alexander the Brave One

July 3rd Continued (Day of Surgery)

Your mother and I walked to the waiting room and greeted our family and friends. Lot's of concerned looks crossed our eyes. Not many words were spoken, but the worry was evident. I sat down next to your grandpa and he put his arm around me. I looked up at him and smiled in thanks for the embrace. "You okay son?". "As okay as I can be Dad" I responded back. "You sure are a strong man." I was grateful for the encouragement but I turned my head down and didn't respond. I didn't feel strong. The feeling that 'everything was going to be okay' had dissipated a bit. I sat in the waiting room with loved ones around, but felt alone. Only my thoughts felt near as I wondered if you would be fine. Thoughts of struggle and doubt began to grow as I had an internal conversation with God:

Lord, you know I trust you, I know my son is in Your hands. But I don't know what I would do if you took him from me. I don't think I could handle it. 

I didn't linger on the thought for long. But fear momentarily surfaced in my mind. Rather than hang on the thought, I got up and asked if anyone was hungry. After some discussion, we all decided to have lunch together in the cafeteria downstairs. It was a comfort for mommy and daddy to be among people we love. After eating, everyone headed back to the waiting room. After a couple hours passed, some of the family and friends decided it was time to depart. It was great having everyone near to talk and catch up. But  sometimes a mother and father just need to be alone with their thoughts, especially when they are waiting for their child to get out of a major surgery. 

As time passed, I journaled and read the Bible for comfort. There were a couple times that I thought about sleeping, but doing such a thing felt impossible. I was too anxious to close my eyes. Every minute and every hour passed by slowly as I waited in anticipation for your surgery to end. I sat alone, sought after peace, and I can say that it was found in spending time with God. That is where I have always found peace, even in the greatest of tribulations. You can find it too son. God is always there.

Five hours into your surgery, Great grandpa Mel and grandma Lila showed up to visit. Their hugs and warm greetings were refreshing. After spending a couple hours with your mommy and I, they departed and Aunt Emily showed up soon after around 9 pm. We sat for another half hour before Dr. Baird came out to the waiting area at 9:30 pm. My eyes looked up at her in hopes of getting a read on how the surgery went, but her body language and eyes gave me no indicators. Dr. Baird calmly walked to us and clasped her hands together asking "Are you ready to hear how things went?"  We both stood up and followed her into the consultation room. The news was delivered that the surgery went amazingly; but there were some concerns. Questions of how strong your mobility on the left side would be was unknown. We would have to wait and see when you woke up. 

We walked into the room where you slept and looked at the incision on your head. The cut began at 3 inches above your right ear and straight across the middle of your head to the upper left side. It was a really clean cut that many doctors and nurses admired. The nurses rolled you in to the ICU where you were to be assessed. Mommy and daddy anxiously waited for you to wake up and wondered how much you would be able to do after the surgery. Since the AVM's were in your right frontal lobe, we wondered if you would had retained the motor skills to move your left side? We also wondered if you would be able to walk again? Would you wake up as the same person? Would you be able to talk? These were but a few of the many questions that worried mommy and daddy. After about twenty minutes in the ICU you regained consciousness. Just seeing you open your eyes was a relief. With smiles and joy mommy and daddy greeted you and gave you gentle hugs. You struggled out the words, "Could I get some water?". Mommy and daddy smiled at each other as we heard you speak. We asked the nurse for water and she quickly came back with a water bottle and straw. You took small sips while laying on your side. After having some time to wake up, the nurse asked if you could smile but you weren't much in the mood to.

Video of Alex after surgery

The nurse alerted the doctor that you had awoke. The doctor came in to test the movement on your left side but you were too tired to respond to his requests. Whether you would be able to move your left side would have to be assessed the next day. You slept through the whole night after going through ten hours of surgery and mommy and daddy stayed in the room with you. I laid on a couch behind your bed and fell asleep around 11 pm. Mommy set herself up in a chair right next to you all night. It looked really uncomfortable. I tried to encourage her to lay in the bed but she wanted to stay by your side. I don't think she slept much because she worried that you might wake up and pull out your IV's. We were both happy and content with the results we had seen so far and held confidence that we would eventually see you move your left side. But that assurance would have to wait until morning...

To Be Continued 01 September 2014.

Interested in supporting the author of this blog? You can do so by purchasing his book, "The Son Who Chases the Father" found at chasethefather.com 

Joshua Zarzana can also be found on Facebook or Twitter.

Thank you for reading.

Pre op

Welcome to the story of Alexander Michael Zarzana. A five year old boy who endured brain surgery to remove two Arterio Venous Malformations from the right frontal lobe. This is the second of seven posts on blog. I pray they encourage you. This blog in the form of a letter to Alex is being written for four reasons:

1. To strengthen the faith of my young son Alexander on the day that he is able to read this blog for himself. We serve a God who does great things.

2. To encourage parents who may go through the same type of struggle that Joanne and I did. 

3. To give due thanks for the nurses, doctors, and surgeons that took amazing care of our little Alex.

4. To give glory, honor and thanks to the Lord who brought our son back home to us.

Alexander the Brave One

July 3rd: The day of your Surgery

Mommy and I awoke at 5 am because we had to sign you in at OHSU by 6:30. After taking a quick shower, I got dressed and headed into your room to pick you up beneath my arms. As you slept in your Mario Kart comforter, I carried you out to the car. You woke up for a few seconds and looked around but didn't say anything before closing your eyes again. I enjoyed the moment of silently carrying you and looked down on you adoringly with thanks to God for the five years filled with joyful moments such as that one. 

The car had already been warmed up by mommy. Grandma Karen buckled you in safely after I put you in your car seat. We said a prayer and pulled out of the driveway, hopeful that we would bring you back home from the hospital in full health.

You woke up in the car along our way to the Hospital. I hadn't realized that you were awake until you said, "I like this music". It was the sound of jazz that you were hearing, a style of music that you have never heard. We kept it on the station on the way and you bobbed your head up and down to the music. Mommy, I and Grandma Karen all smiled and laughed as we watched you pucker your lips and put on your rock face while moving your body back and forth to the wave of jazz. 

The thirty minute drive ended with us in the Oregon Health and Science University parking structure. I jumped out of the car and ran to the nearest building to find out where we were supposed to admit you. After finding out, I stepped outside where I could see the car and waved you in.

We checked in at the Doernbecher Children's Hospital. The first person to show up was Pastor Russ Bailey, one of the finest pastors I have ever known. Let me tell you something son, this man loves you, loves me, loves our family with a deep affection. Pastor Russ walked over to you and got down on one knee to greet you eye to eye. I watched at a distance as he put his arms around you to speak. I don't know what he said, but I can tell you it was said with deep concern. You have always wanted to free the slaves son, and Pastor Russ shares that passion with you. I think your hope for this cause in some ways makes you one.

Pastor Russ of Sanctuary Church in Gresham, OR and Alex

We traveled to Pediatric sedation on the eighth floor of the Hospital. Uncle Brandon showed up there and he gave you a big hug upon his arrival. Uncle Brandon had to be at work early, but he made it a priority to see you before the surgery. Next Grandpa Dave and Grandma Lori showed up. Grandpa Dave put off an important camping trip for a day so that he could come and see you. He read "Clifford the Big Red Dog" while you sat in his lap. 

Grandpa Dave and Alex

Mommy also read a couple books to you, "Where the Wild Things Are" and one of your favorites, "Green Eggs and Ham".

After waiting for about an hour, the nurse came into the waiting area to take everyone into a backroom where you were prepped for sedation. It was at this point that you began to get scared, realizing the nearness of your surgery. Seeing your anxiousness, the nurse challenged you to a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors. Playing put you at ease, so after beating her, daddy challenged you. You beat me two times in a row and had a big smile on your face after doing so. Next you played Grandpa Dave, Grandma Lori, Grandma Karen and Uncle Brandon. I would say that you won at least 70% of the games. A victor to say the least. 

As we drew near to the surgery, the family wanted to lift our concern up to God. We asked the Lord for His protection over you. Grandpa Dave opened the prayer:

"Father, thank you for your love, your mercy, and your grace. You are our Father and you have said through Your Word and proven through Your action that you will never leave us. You are always there in the good times and the bad. We hold on to that promise and know that you are here with us now. Please place your hand on little Alex. Protect him in this time and lead the surgeons in the skill you have given them to make Alex better.

Daddy prayed next:

"God, please comfort and strengthen Alex in this time. I ask that he come out fully restored and whole in the end. I recognize that you are using these physicians to bring healing, but you are the great physician and can heal Alex in places where doctors can't. Please heal him. "Everyone said amen together but you said, "No, no, it's "Aaaa-men". Everyone followed after, "Aaaa-men", which means let it be done. Mommy wiped the tears from her eyes.

After praying, we walked over to the sedation table where Daddy lifted you up and placed you down on the bed. The nurse gave you some versed to calm your nerves before putting in an IV. 

After twenty minutes, one of your doctors came and said hello. He explained the procedure of the cat-scan to mommy and daddy, ensuring we understood all things that were about to happen. There was great risk involved, but like I said before, mommy and daddy made our decision prayerfully, and we were confident in the Lord that we were making the right decision. It was time for the hard stuff to start happening...

The nurse laid the needle down. You were pretty relaxed from the versed, but still cognizant. You didn't notice what was happening at first until the nurse took your hand which made you jerk back. "What are you doing?" you asked. It is hard, perhaps impossible, to explain to a little child why an IV has to go into their hand. Mommy and daddy had to hold you down with another nurse while you screamed, "No! Stop! It hurts, it hurts!" It was a hard moment, one that stands strong in my memory. I think it is impossible to forget moments that break your heart. You repeated these words over and over and daddy could do little but help hold you down while praying for strength in silence. Strength not just for you, but for me too. I was scared, with you son, with you. That is something I resolved to be on the day you were born, until the day God take you or I - to be with you no matter what.

After getting the IV in, we discussed the order of events with one of your doctors. Mommy brought up that you were supposed to have a cat-scan on your brain and your chest before the surgery. But your doctor had only put in an order for your brain to be scanned and not your chest. We insisted that the cat-scan be done on your chest to find out if you had any AVM's in your lungs. The nurses agreed to make efforts to approve the cat-scan, to which they were successful.

The anestheseologist came into the room and gave you medicine to put you to sleep. We wheeled you into the catscan room and the Doctor had me lift your unconscious body on to the table. Mommy and daddy left the room and sat down just outside to wait. The scan was soon accomplished and we traveled to a waiting area where we would stay until your surgery. The nurses warned us that you would likely be cranky when you awoke but you were in a pretty good mood. Mommy and daddy each cuddled up in bed with you and enjoyed every moment of it.  

Mommy and Daddy Spending Time with Alex Before Surgery

Family and friends also had a chance to come back and visit with you while we waited for your operating room to open up. A number of people from our old church had arrived. Rod and Alice Campbell, Deby Elis and Carolyn and Amber Ingram (who stayed with us for the entire day) all came back to say hello. Lots of cuddling and lots of praying occurred during this time. Every moment was enjoyed but there was some concern because 10 am surgery jumped to 12 pm. During the wait, I got up and anxiously paced around a few times thinking that maybe we weren't supposed to do the surgery. But at 1145, your surgeons Dr. Baird and Dr. Gupta came in to let us know that they were ready to take you in. They explained the steps of procedure and made mommy and daddy feel calm and confident that you were in good hands. Dr. Gupta placed a mark with a black felt pen on the area of operation.

The nurses wheeled you toward the operating room and mommy and daddy followed close behind. We walked with you until the doctor said we could go no further. Before injecting you with medicine that would put you out for the duration of the surgery, we prayed with you and the medical team that God would guide their hands to remove the growths in your brain safely.

After being put out, your mother and I embraced your unconscious body with a hug. Hand in hand we traveled down the hallway to the waiting room. Your mother looked to me and said, "No turning back now". I could see the fear in her eyes. I put my arm around with gentle strength and said with as much confidence as possible, "I feel like everything is going to be okay". I wondered internally, and hoped that that would be the case.

Interested in supporting the author of this blog? You can do so by purchasing his book, "The Son Who Chases the Father" found at chasethefather.com 

Joshua Zarzana can also be found on Facebook or Twitter

Thank you for reading.

Day before Alex's surgery

Welcome to the story of Alexander Michael Zarzana. A five year old boy who endured brain surgery to remove two Arterio Venous Malformations from the right frontal lobe. There will be seven posts on this particular blog and I pray they encourage you. This letter is being written for four reasons:

1. To strengthen the faith of my young son Alexander on the day that he is able to read this blog for himself. We serve a God who does great things.

2. To encourage parents who may go through the same type of struggle that Joanne and I did. 

3. To give due thanks for the nurses, doctors, and surgeons that took amazing care of our little Alex.

4. To give glory, honor and thanks to the Lord who brought our son back home to us.

Alexander the Brave One

July 2nd: The Day Before Your Surgery

My son Alexander,

We are travelling from our home, Lacey, Wa, to remove two Arterio Venous Malformations (AVM's) from your right frontal lobe. Your mother and I have stressed deeply over this trip for the last year. Over the weekend we got into a couple disagreements due to the angst that we felt. Our fear of losing you or not returning home as the boy we have always known was heavy on our heart. We wondered at times if we were making the right decision in putting you through the challenge of being in the hospital for an extended time with the danger of you never being able to recover to full strength. Rest assured that every decision made up to this moment was a prayerful choice placed first in the hands of God.

We drove toward Gresham, OR on our way to Grandma Karen's. Your mother took the first length of the trip while I took a 45 minute nap after working a long day at work. I added stress to my day by locking my keys in the car just before the work day was over. I was afraid that I may not be able to make it home on time to travel as planned to Gresham, but everything worked out. Your mom pulled over at a gas station half way through the trip to use the restroom. We bought you some sour crawly gummy worms. You ate about half the pack before your mom put a stop to your sugar overdose. "Not too much before the surgery" she said. She is always doing what is best for you.

I drove the rest of the trip to Gresham. We enjoyed some hot dogs, chips and watermelon at Grandma's before celebrating our 4th of July two days early. Grandma Karen and Grandpa Mike purchased some fireworks to put on a show for you and your brother Christian. Our dear friends, who care about you deeply, Taylor and Melissa, showed up to celebrate the festivities with us. The first firework we lit was a sparkler for you and your brother Christian. You were a bit careless with the sparkler even though Mommy and Daddy warned you to be cautious. At one point, you let the sparkler get too close to Aunt Jenah and one of the sparks almost fell on your foot. 

Alex playing with a sparkler

The family laughed at the moment and then lit off a number of other fireworks while we cuddled as a family. The only thing better than the fireworks was the look of amazement on the faces of you and your brother during the show. After the night was over, we brushed our teeth and put you in your new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle pajamas that Grandma had bought for you. You chose those over your Max Steel pajamas that mommy picked up for you. We walked into the bedroom that Grandma Karen and Aunt Susie set up for your recovery at home. Those two ladies spent significant time cleaning and getting your room set up. They purchased two Mario Kart comforters, one for you and one for your brother. Above the bed frames hung Ninja Turtle Posters. 

Brother Christian in your Recovery Bedroom

We finished the night off with reading the Bible and cuddled up for bed. Daddy tried to sleep with you but you said you wanted Mommy instead. I reluctantly heeded your request but enjoyed sleeping with your brother Christian in the other bed. After telling a made up fairy tale about your saving the world on a golden dragon, I watched you fall asleep and wondered that night if this was the last time we would cuddle together as a family. The thought didn't keep me up all night. I was able to fall asleep within a half hour, but I found out the next day that your mother woke up worried on multiple occasions in the middle of the night. She tends to worry about you more than me and one reason for that is that she loves you sooo much. I love you too, but I fell asleep, as I always do, knowing that God has you in His hand. Even if the surgery turns for the worst and you never come home, I know without a doubt that we will meet in heaven my son. Mommy knows this too, but she would do almost anything, to keep you around for as long as possible. I love you deeply, and honestly, I was jealous that mommy got to cuddle with you all night before your surgery.

To be continued on... August 11, 2014.

Interested in supporting the author of this blog? You can do so by purchasing his book, "The Son Who Chases the Father" found at chasethefather.com 

Joshua Zarzana can also be found on Facebook or Twitter

Thank you for reading.